Regrets
by missbadgerface
Summary: Set 10 months into the future. A Reid, Luke and Noah fanfiction. This started out as a one shot, but on lj i had requests for a sequel. I posted it as hard to breathe, but deleted it and posted it as the second chapter on this :
1. Regrets

_In, out. In, out. In, out._

Breathing. It should be the simplest of tasks, so why did it seem so damn hard today?

_Out, in. Out, in. Out, in._

He had to concentrate on every breath; drawing it in deeply then using all his strength to force it back out again.

_One, two. One, two. One, two._

He could hear the beat behind his ears. His pulse. Loud. Deafening. Sharp. It was constantly there, like torture, threatening to drive him insane-or maybe that was just his conscience; his agonising regrets.

_One, two. One, two. One, two._

He focused on the noise, raising his fist to knock to the same rhythm on the door in front of him. 5 hours seemed to pass before the door finally swung open, though in reality it was probably no more than 5 seconds.

"Hey Luke." The man who had answered the door grinned down at him "You're late. Where were you?"

"I lost track of time." Luke smiled back. It was a forced smile, a smile he'd mastered over the past few months. He was acting all the time now-a-days, it seemed.

"You're doing that a lot lately." The other man chuckled, placing a soft, loving kiss on Luke's cheek. _He has no idea _Luke thought. Time was no longer a reality in Luke's world, merely an illusion. Minutes, hours and days merged into no sort of sensible combination. The dimension had no meaning in Luke's life any more. Nothing did.

He followed the man into the bright apartment, sitting down on the couch whilst his boyfriend grabbed 2 sodas out of the fridge.

The love of his life had left town six months ago and he hadn't spoken to him since. He had no idea where he was. He was his soul mate, but he had left one month after Luke had chosen the man before him. He'd chosen him out of fear.

He grabbed the soda out of Noah's hand and smiled politely, snuggling up next to him on the sofa to watch a movie. It was routine. It was all routine.

He'd given up the best 3 months of his life.

He'd made his choice and let Reid go.

He'd regretted it every day of his life since.


	2. Hard to Breathe

Breathing. It shouldn't be so difficult.

He'd broken up with Noah 5 months ago. Now he told himself everyday that himself that he wasn't living a lie anymore; the truth was that's the lie. Life couldn't be real without Reid anymore.

He and Noah had managed to stay friends-seeing as Luke didn't give him the full truth when breaking up with him-so he was happy for him when he heard he was giving things a go with Richard.

He still heard the pounding of his heart, making his head want to explode. He still had to consciously breathe. He still had to live with his regrets.

He wasn't with Noah anymore, so why was everything still such a mess?

There wasn't a day that went by when Luke didn't about Reid. He went to sleep every night after hours, or maybe days, of tossing and turning only to dream about Reid and have his heart broken in the morning when he woke up and realised it wasn't reality.

It'd been 365 days since he'd chosen Noah and 11 months since he'd last seen Reid. He wanted to see him; to kiss him and hold him.

Luke looked blankly down at his decaf which had gone cold-he hadn't noticed he'd been sat in Java for an hour.

Right now he'd settle for knowing where in the world he was.

_**Meanwhile in Manhattan, New York**_

He sat at the table in Starbucks and stared blankly down at the coffee in front of him.

It'd been 11 months since he'd left the town that time forgot and he was beginning to believe that nowhere did his coffee as good as Java.

It had been exactly one year since Luke had chosen Noah. It was still barely possible to breathe. They might even be engaged now, or thinking about adopting, something sickly like that. He didn't know, and he never thought he'd have to. He'd disallowed Katie from talking about the younger boy in any of their frequent phone calls, so their conversations had instead been filled with wedding talk due to Katie's recent engagement to Doogie Hughes. The wedding was next month, and naturally he was invited. He was going to see Jacob and Katie again…and Luke.

Reid was going back to Oakdale.

He was going home.


	3. The Wedding

Luke got out of the car with his date, Andy, and walked towards Noah and Richard. They'd both got a plus 1 invitation to Katie and Chris's wedding so Luke had picked someone up in Yo's. It wasn't too hard considering his fluttery eyelashes around his doe like eyes and his dimpled smile. Not surprisingly, Andy had instantly fallen for his charm and was like a teenager in the puppy love stage. Only Luke knew that they wouldn't see each other again after the wedding. He said hi to Richard and Noah and they all walked into the church together.

He should've known he'd be there.

Luke saw him sat near the back of the church looking more incredible than he could ever remember, though that was probably just his memory fading after so long apart. The first thing Luke noticed was that he still had the bitter-sweet ability to make Luke's heart constrict and float at the same time just by being there. Breathing was even more difficult than it ever had been before and he had to try focus even more on every breath rather than on Reid. It proved to be easier said than done. Luke gulped as he noticed that the only seats left in the church were the 5 next to Reid. Typical.

Luckily, Andy had spotted the seats first and sat down in the seat next to Reid, so oblivious it was almost cute. Reid turned and glared at him for no apparent reason other than the fact he was Doctor Reid Oliver so he could do whatever the fuck he wanted. He rolled his eyes so hard that Luke caught his eye. Luke found that time stood still as he caught himself lost in the intensity of seeing the man he loved for the first time in 371 days.

Reid turned to see an annoyingly preppy man sit next to him and gave him his trademark look to show his irritation. And then he saw Luke. And then he found it suddenly impossible to breathe. It seemed like they'd been staring at each other for decades before Luke finally took his seat besides the disgustingly fluffy boy next to him. He also noted that Noah was holding that Richard guy's hand and was instantly confused. He also noted that Luke looked beautiful, and that he could still make him crawl out of his skin.

Through out the wedding, Reid wasn't really focusing on the ceremony; more on how Luke's date ran his hand up and down his thigh and how Luke didn't look too impressed as he whispered sweet nothings into his ear and how Noah and Luke clearly weren't together anymore and how his head was filled with unanswered questions and how he just wanted to drag Luke away and kiss him and kiss him and kiss him like the world was suddenly going to stop turning and how…

Before Reid realised just how lost in thought he was every one in the stood as Katei, who looked positively beautiful, walked back down the isle with he new husband.

"Isn't she just stunning. I hope I get married someday, you know? Wouldn't it be just lovely?..." Andy rambled grasping onto Luke's hand. The miserable look on Luke's face didn't go unnoticed by Reid, who quickly pushed his way past the other 4 men and made his way outside knowing that if he looked at that face too long he wouldn't be able to refrain from pulling him into his arms. 

At the reception, which was held lake view, Luke was sitting at the bar with a bottle of beer in his hand when he felt someone sit in the stool next to him.

"That seats taken…" He mumbled, and prayed to god that it wasn't Aaron…or was it Alan...  
"No it's not, Luke." Reid said in a soft voice. The sound of his name on Reid's tongue after so long made his heart want to burst. He wanted more than anything to look into Reid's eyes but he didn't. He knew if he did he wouldn't be able to look away. "A lot's changed since I left. Who's the hot new guy?" Reid asked sarcastically.

"Possibly the most irritating man on the planet." Luke answered, running one hand roughly through his hair. He needed to get away. He needed to run and run and never stop, but Reid chuckled and Luke knew it would be impossible to disappear completely, so he stayed.

"When did you start drinking again?" Reid asked, in a more serious tone. Luke finally looked up and met his gaze.

"About 5 minutes ago," Luke shrugged but Reid could see in his eyes that he was scared and defeated, and Luke knew that he had seen it. "I didn't know what else to do."

"You needed to feel normal." It wasn't a question, it was a statement. Somehow Reid understood. "You shouldn't do it you know, with your kidney."

"How the hell did you know about my kidney?" Luke furrowed his eyebrows together in confusion.

"Dallas." Reid shrugged. "When you answered the door that time, you were just in the towel. I saw the scar and I'm a doctor so I knew it was your kidney. The scar also told me that you had a surgeon who shouldn't even be trusted with a butter knife."

"Well…he managed to save my life, so he couldn't have been that bad." Luke's eyes hadn't left Reid's face. He knew he shouldn't have looked at him, he knew he wouldn't be able to look away.

"Yeah, and now you're going to throw it down the drain again. Your lack of intelligence astounds me." Reid was deadly serious, but it didn't stop Luke chuckling, despite the morbid conversation topic. Reid was still Reid and that made Luke happy.

"You're probably right." Luke said, pushing his beer to one side. He turned his stool slightly so he was completely facing Reid. Damn he wanted to kiss him, but he thought the older man probably wouldn't respond well so he decided against it. Reid turned his stool too and traced his gaze over Luke's face, drinking in every detail, before letting it travel back towards his deep brown eyes.

"You and Noah?" Luke instantly knew what Reid was asking, and he also knew how much it meant.

"We're not together anymore." Luke smiled sadly for the loss of what was once his dream life and for the loss of the precious time he'd lost with Reid due to his own stupid decisions. Reid didn't say anything else, but Luke could see the question in his eyes. "I just couldn't do it anymore."

"You couldn't do what?" Reid asked the question in the familiar manner that had sent waves of electricity through Luke before, and nothing had changed; it still had the same affect. Reid searched Luke's eyes for an answer to the question that he'd been asking himself for over a year, and saw that he's eyes were filled with raw emotion but before he could work out what it meant Luke spoke. It was the first time he'd answered one of his questions as sincere as this. Although he didn't let it show on, his heart went through so many different emotions throughout Luke's speech that it terrified him.

"I couldn't pretend that it was enough. I couldn't live a life that I'd chosen out of fear when I knew from the start that it wasn't what I wanted. I couldn't pretend to love him when I knew…when I knew that I was completely in love with someone else, and I knew that I always would me. I couldn't keep telling myself that I wasn't making my self sick with lying to my heart, and I couldn't keep walking around in that daze where nothing made sense, but the daze didn't go away and every breath I take still fucking hurts. It hurts like pain I've never experienced before, and that's saying something, believe me. I couldn't do it anymore because it would never be enough, it still isn't enough." Luke felt the tears fighting at the corners of his eyes, but he didn't let them fall. He noticed that Reid's facial expression didn't falter once but he needed to finish what he started. He needed to answer the questions that should've been answered long ago. "Most of all, I couldn't live with him when every day my heart was shattering more and more because the man who I really wanted to be with left because of my own stupid decisions, and he left before I got the chance to tell him that I love him more than I love life it's self, and I know that I always will no matter what. You just…you need to know that, even though…even though we'll probably never see each other again. You just need to know."

With that Luke wiped his eyes got up and started walking away trying to preserve what was left of his dignity, but Reid turned on his stool and quickly grabbed Luke's wrist to stop him from getting away.

"Please, don't leave me. Not again." Reid's voice cracked as he spoke and he laced his fingers with Luke's praying that it would finally be enough for both of them. 


End file.
